Economy Doing Well

Am I too cynical or would it be correct to say that Darling and Co are trying to "bottom out" the economy early by keeping interest rates high and talking prospects down so that by October and the conference season or more likely next spring we can start to talk about a recovery more quickly than may otherwise be apparent (the slide having at least been arrested).

By escalating the slide now they think that improvements can be brought forward and the corner turned more quickly. This does however mean that the slide may be deeper than is actually necessary and those being sacrificed to unemployment early for the sake of political savings in the spring time may not be grateful to the Government or the Bank of England for adopting this most savage and callous approach to economic management.

The negative approach of the Chancellor (following the example of the press) in exaggerating the down turn flies in the face of my own property companies experience of modest growth in profits and those of many other business operators I meet. A more measured response by Government reflecting what is actually happening rather than what is reported to be happening in the Evening Standard would be a more moderate approach.

Poor Darling's statement seems to suggest that he is resigned to presiding over the deepest post war recession and may be an indication of panic. Browns reassurance that they are the right people to weather this particular storm would be laughable if it were not so hollow. They claim to be implementing a planned strategy and a package of measures to ride out the recession but none of their ideas has been published, discussed or documented and it appears to be only rhetoric designed to camouflage their lurching from one fiscal disaster to the next.

Ed Balls thinks (quite rightly as it happens) that it may be better to stay in the Education Department rather than take over at the treasury. However he has failed to realise that his own political capital has already been spent in the exams and SATs debacle. Even Brown would resist the temptation to promote him to the treasury on the basis of such a poor performance.

I am resigned to this fiasco continuing for another few months yet as no one within the Labour Party has the balls (come on Milliband pull your finger out) to set the compass and choose a policy direction. The continuation of the current drift will take our economy to the brink but I trust the business leaders rather than the politicians will keep us from going over the edge until the cavalry arrive in the form of greater liquidity and lower interest rates.

Obama's Irish (My Arse)

In a not altogether unsurprising move genealogists have discovered that Barrack Obama is a direct descendant of the ancient kings of Ireland. In a blow to the McCain presidential bid Barrack has stolen the Irish vote from under his nose. Notwithstanding his incontrovertible association with potatoes McCain's claims to the Irish vote fail to unearth any original or direct connection to the Emerald Isle, home to 3m people, and antecedents to 242m Americans.

Further research has also established a Jewish connection for Mr Obama as a direct descendant of Solomon and as an indirect member of one of the seven lost tribes of Judea. Mr Obama's wife on the other hand has both clear Polish and Italian connections with an Amish father and a mother from the bible belt.

When asked about his connections Mr Obama joshed to journalists yesterday that "it is a grand soft morning this morning my life my life already." Mrs Obama responded he was being too proud and if he continued she would have to send him to sleep with the fishes.

Paris Hilton commented that this frantic and rather puerile scratching around for ethnic connections would not affect her campaign for the White House at all. She pointed to a blue blooded line of feckless Anglo - American aristo's who hadn't worked for a living for nine generations as the ideal breeding for America's first female president.

Campaign commitments by Paris that she will invite Bill Clinton to the Oval Office for a cigar, film the event and post a viral video of it on you tube were met with riotous applause by American college students who see the bleak celebrity as the best option for those disillusioned with the cult of celebrity in American politics.

Obviously all of the above is unquestionably wrong.

Fecund

Now I have a secretary who sits outside my office door in her tight red blouse and short black skirt. ******* must be in her early 20's with a gravelly posh Newcastle accent, stylishly messy black hair held up by a limited number of invisible devices and topped with a pair of fuck-me-I'm-an-intellectual glasses. She is tall and slim, tall enough to wear flat shoes and slim enough for the red blouse and tight black skirt. She has a good tan (not orange ) and a throaty laugh that wakes the entire office on the odd occasion that it's put to use. She is clearly bored, a temp away from University for the summer, and the work is not exactly testing but she turns up cheerful everyday.

But can you understand what is driving me insane. A pot belly. Small, neat, perfectly formed, hanging, lounging, gently undulating, accidentally spotted in the flesh as blouse and skirt shift through the long hot day. It knows I want it, torments and teases me, rolls apeasingly, pleading for kneading, smiling, larking about, happilly self aware, grinning. I want to grab it, caress it, lift it, stroke it and ultimately kiss it, hold it, rub it, nurture it, feed it, tattoo it, pierce it, possess it, stick my tongue in its button, bite it, lick it and yes rest my head on it.

Setting aside all other things there is but one word to describe the way it is. Fecund.

First they came for the smokers...

In a totally expected move the Government have set out Brown's agenda for a new soulless society. Happy hours are to be banned in case anyone seriously looks in the least bit cheerful. Following a successful campaign to ruin the economic feelgood factor of the last ten years, Brown has turned his attention to the last legal stimulant. In a sign of growing torpor amongst the electorate Brown has realised that to be truly hated in the UK he must challenge the last bastions of pleasure for working people and undermine their right to enjoy a glass of hooch at the end of the working day.

Harking back to the portrayal of London womanhood as a bunch of gin soaked whores throughout the 18th century, Brown's establishment is considering a range of measures to dispel any prospect of joyful abandon amongst the workforce. Citing the number of sickies taken as a response to alcohol abuse Brown's think tank (Special Centre for Objective Compulsive Social Genetic Intellectual Tautology- SCOTSGIT) has recommended, amongst other measures, to ban the mid-week works outing to the boozer on the corner.

In a rising tide of puritanical bollocks other threats issued by Brown include higher alcohol taxation, Happy Hour bans, raising the legal drinking age to 52, banning women from the pub, removing his jumper, and preventing use of the phrase "You're ma pal" after 6.43 in the evening.

Following the successful implementation of the statutory waiting time at airports and the European ban on running with scissors, and consistent with his campaign to reduce regulation and red tape, those hoping to sell alcohol commercially in the future will be expected to take part in a licence bidding competition where the Government has stated it will issue only four new licences nationally until drinking goes digital. Consumers in Wales are in uproar as they have been refused permission to site one of the licenced premises anywhere within the principality. Obviously this is intended to curb road side singing and gutter vomit but critics consider the decision as harsh.

Brown Up-beat on Economy and Election Prospects

In a completely expected move Gordon Brown appeared up beat on the economy and predicted double digit growth in some areas of the economy over the coming months. Citing the burning of valuable assets and Listed buildings, fire sales of property and industrial stocks and winding up orders as key areas for growth.

Launching an attack on the negative face of the press Brown pointed to his long and firm grip on the economy and how it had benefited hugely from his stewardship in particularly difficult economic times over the last ten years.

He saw no reason to be negative now with good economic signs coming from the housing sector where house builders have "lost" up to 40% of their staff, the city where the credit crunch has led to 40,000 job losses so far this year, trading rooms where shares have lost over 20% of their value in the last quarter, utilities where energy and water prices have doubled and the oil trading floor where a barrel of oil now costs more than double what it did in December.

With growing signs of unrest and likely strike action across the public sector, health and education, dissatisfaction rife in the transport industry and funding for infrastructure projects cut across the board to pay for the spiraling costs of the Olympics, Brown said things have never been better. A healthy dose of additional taxation to stave off the imminent threat of global warming, in this the second successive summer of constant rain in the UK, in his view would be sufficient to see the economy and his parties fortunes in clover for another decade.

Citing his magnificent popularity in the polls and at recent by-election victories for his party and his inspirational reading of the public mood he claimed that with his deep understanding of economics there should be nothing whatsoever to worry about.

In a final flourish Brown thanked his coterie of advisers and spin doctors for managing the Country so well over the last 12 months and said he looked forward to a continuing positive relationship with the British people.

Geldof slates nepotism

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