Fecund

Now I have a secretary who sits outside my office door in her tight red blouse and short black skirt. ******* must be in her early 20's with a gravelly posh Newcastle accent, stylishly messy black hair held up by a limited number of invisible devices and topped with a pair of fuck-me-I'm-an-intellectual glasses. She is tall and slim, tall enough to wear flat shoes and slim enough for the red blouse and tight black skirt. She has a good tan (not orange ) and a throaty laugh that wakes the entire office on the odd occasion that it's put to use. She is clearly bored, a temp away from University for the summer, and the work is not exactly testing but she turns up cheerful everyday.

But can you understand what is driving me insane. A pot belly. Small, neat, perfectly formed, hanging, lounging, gently undulating, accidentally spotted in the flesh as blouse and skirt shift through the long hot day. It knows I want it, torments and teases me, rolls apeasingly, pleading for kneading, smiling, larking about, happilly self aware, grinning. I want to grab it, caress it, lift it, stroke it and ultimately kiss it, hold it, rub it, nurture it, feed it, tattoo it, pierce it, possess it, stick my tongue in its button, bite it, lick it and yes rest my head on it.

Setting aside all other things there is but one word to describe the way it is. Fecund.

First they came for the smokers...

In a totally expected move the Government have set out Brown's agenda for a new soulless society. Happy hours are to be banned in case anyone seriously looks in the least bit cheerful. Following a successful campaign to ruin the economic feelgood factor of the last ten years, Brown has turned his attention to the last legal stimulant. In a sign of growing torpor amongst the electorate Brown has realised that to be truly hated in the UK he must challenge the last bastions of pleasure for working people and undermine their right to enjoy a glass of hooch at the end of the working day.

Harking back to the portrayal of London womanhood as a bunch of gin soaked whores throughout the 18th century, Brown's establishment is considering a range of measures to dispel any prospect of joyful abandon amongst the workforce. Citing the number of sickies taken as a response to alcohol abuse Brown's think tank (Special Centre for Objective Compulsive Social Genetic Intellectual Tautology- SCOTSGIT) has recommended, amongst other measures, to ban the mid-week works outing to the boozer on the corner.

In a rising tide of puritanical bollocks other threats issued by Brown include higher alcohol taxation, Happy Hour bans, raising the legal drinking age to 52, banning women from the pub, removing his jumper, and preventing use of the phrase "You're ma pal" after 6.43 in the evening.

Following the successful implementation of the statutory waiting time at airports and the European ban on running with scissors, and consistent with his campaign to reduce regulation and red tape, those hoping to sell alcohol commercially in the future will be expected to take part in a licence bidding competition where the Government has stated it will issue only four new licences nationally until drinking goes digital. Consumers in Wales are in uproar as they have been refused permission to site one of the licenced premises anywhere within the principality. Obviously this is intended to curb road side singing and gutter vomit but critics consider the decision as harsh.

Brown Up-beat on Economy and Election Prospects

In a completely expected move Gordon Brown appeared up beat on the economy and predicted double digit growth in some areas of the economy over the coming months. Citing the burning of valuable assets and Listed buildings, fire sales of property and industrial stocks and winding up orders as key areas for growth.

Launching an attack on the negative face of the press Brown pointed to his long and firm grip on the economy and how it had benefited hugely from his stewardship in particularly difficult economic times over the last ten years.

He saw no reason to be negative now with good economic signs coming from the housing sector where house builders have "lost" up to 40% of their staff, the city where the credit crunch has led to 40,000 job losses so far this year, trading rooms where shares have lost over 20% of their value in the last quarter, utilities where energy and water prices have doubled and the oil trading floor where a barrel of oil now costs more than double what it did in December.

With growing signs of unrest and likely strike action across the public sector, health and education, dissatisfaction rife in the transport industry and funding for infrastructure projects cut across the board to pay for the spiraling costs of the Olympics, Brown said things have never been better. A healthy dose of additional taxation to stave off the imminent threat of global warming, in this the second successive summer of constant rain in the UK, in his view would be sufficient to see the economy and his parties fortunes in clover for another decade.

Citing his magnificent popularity in the polls and at recent by-election victories for his party and his inspirational reading of the public mood he claimed that with his deep understanding of economics there should be nothing whatsoever to worry about.

In a final flourish Brown thanked his coterie of advisers and spin doctors for managing the Country so well over the last 12 months and said he looked forward to a continuing positive relationship with the British people.

Geldof slates nepotism

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.