First they came for the smokers...

In a totally expected move the Government have set out Brown's agenda for a new soulless society. Happy hours are to be banned in case anyone seriously looks in the least bit cheerful. Following a successful campaign to ruin the economic feelgood factor of the last ten years, Brown has turned his attention to the last legal stimulant. In a sign of growing torpor amongst the electorate Brown has realised that to be truly hated in the UK he must challenge the last bastions of pleasure for working people and undermine their right to enjoy a glass of hooch at the end of the working day.

Harking back to the portrayal of London womanhood as a bunch of gin soaked whores throughout the 18th century, Brown's establishment is considering a range of measures to dispel any prospect of joyful abandon amongst the workforce. Citing the number of sickies taken as a response to alcohol abuse Brown's think tank (Special Centre for Objective Compulsive Social Genetic Intellectual Tautology- SCOTSGIT) has recommended, amongst other measures, to ban the mid-week works outing to the boozer on the corner.

In a rising tide of puritanical bollocks other threats issued by Brown include higher alcohol taxation, Happy Hour bans, raising the legal drinking age to 52, banning women from the pub, removing his jumper, and preventing use of the phrase "You're ma pal" after 6.43 in the evening.

Following the successful implementation of the statutory waiting time at airports and the European ban on running with scissors, and consistent with his campaign to reduce regulation and red tape, those hoping to sell alcohol commercially in the future will be expected to take part in a licence bidding competition where the Government has stated it will issue only four new licences nationally until drinking goes digital. Consumers in Wales are in uproar as they have been refused permission to site one of the licenced premises anywhere within the principality. Obviously this is intended to curb road side singing and gutter vomit but critics consider the decision as harsh.