The more I know about you

Fuzzbuster and the Spaniards

2010-12-08T04:25:00.000-08:00

Well where to go this week! Fuzzbuster is still all caught up in the cold weather and can't seem to focus on The Spaniard nicking that naughty leaker, after Lord Stamford accused him of felching without a hat on. Old Stamford had twice previously dropped the charges and let the bounder go but after a kicking from Old Dr Bamagoode and possibly Lord Pentonville and his Peddler mates Stamford gave the Spaniards no choice but to bag him up and post him back. No doubt Paddington will interfere and the whole process will slow down to a crawl.

It seems that Old Dr Bamagoode has also been leaning on the Basildons as they have withdrawn support for the naughty leaker from all of their various organs. He should never have threatened to out the Basildons at the same time as Bamagoode and Pentonville, one enemy at a time would be my motto!

On the old tournament front, good news from the Isle of Wight where the Albany boys went on their hols. It appears they gave the locals a right going over to the extent that the local Fuzzbusters are ready to deport them to the mainland if they slip up again. This follows a bit of a ragging for the IoW's egg chasers only a couple of weeks ago. My how the sands shift eh?

Last thing up for today, we all enjoyed Aunty May sticking it to Lightfinger's gardener not once but twice. Poor Corrible will never lose the monicker now.

Three Lions- My Arse

2010-12-02T14:17:00.000-08:00

You what? Bunghole Junior's nephew, Lightfinger and Little Minchin go off to the Clock Shop and come back with bugger all. Three Lions? My arse. Two votes or no points-(in the words of Lemmy) its all the same to me.

We all know that Grandpa Bunghole loves the lucre and after the Albany-Fuzzbusters have threatened to eat his cake, him and the rest of the family elders will have to make some hay quickly and while the sun shines.

Lord Pentonville and his crew must be chuckling to themselves. Even if Bamagoode and his buddies have suggested he's one of the Pedlars, he's got clean away with it. For Grandpa Bunghole however twice seems a little greedy. Old Bunghole has never even met the Edgwares before but is happy for them to stump up for a bash as well. New bunce, and lots of it. The irony is everyone knows Bunghole is a bounder but we all want to play the host and go to his balls.

In six months old Fuzzbuster and and the Spaniards will have come up with a bag full of cash and a smokin' cheroot but the bash will be on and Bunghole will be all the better for it. Last lunch in the trough for this bunch of feeders but if I know Lord Dover there will be a new snout in the trough soon enough, god help us it won't be from Albany. Johnny Alban alsways has to play by the rules! How Boho got the Loops to agree to use his place still amazes.

Anyway Minchin has to get back to the new missus, and I guess we can cross Lord Pentonville off the guest list for next spring as well!

Further news today is the abject failure of the Fabricators to make anything useful whatsoever as soon as the sky clouds over. Un-Be-Lievable. Some people have such short memories, the Fabricators fail to deliver on a fine day, why expect something better in the snow. Mrs Fuzzbuster is already saying that Old Boho goes to buy a clock with the so called lions and his whole house goes to pot. Fudge and his mates will be having a field day tomorrow, Bunghole Junior with Lightfinger carrying his bag, fails again and the Fabricators lose the plot. No doubt Mrs Fuzzbuster will find someone to blame. Call the Spaniards...

Dr Bamagoode and the Spot-Lancers

2010-12-01T02:39:00.000-08:00

Poor old Dr Bamagoode appears to be in more trouble with Old Man Spot-lancer after tattling to the Fuzzbusters that he had one over the eight and went dancing through the night.

Meanwhile the Basildons have shown their distaste in dealing with the younger members of the Lightfingers suggesting they are too fluffy to rescue the family from penury and they would prefer to be dealing with Mr Fudge. Their concerns were made clear to Old Dr Bamagoode though why he is speaking to the Basildons at all remains a mystery!

More on the Bunghole tournament today as it seems Young Lightfinger has joined with Bunghole Junior in pestering Grandpa to let him have the bash at his place. I doubt the prospects of this endeavour and fear that Bunghole Senior will go with Lord Portsmouth rather than risk upsetting the rest of the family by letting Junior get his hands on the whole shooting match. This won't go the way of the Loops and their bash where they dumped the party on Boho when everyone thought it would be held by Lord Dover. Poor Boho will be paying for this for some time to come and what with the continuing expense of running the Fabricator I expect his pockets to be somewhat empty for a while to come yet.

Minchin Cat and Dr Bamagoode

2010-11-30T04:12:00.000-08:00

Minchin Cat and Mrs Fuzzbuster were dining on old roll mops over lunch regaling each other with tales of their exploits. Mrs Fuzzbuster noted to Minchin Cat that Dr Bamagoode had been absolutely beastly about Minchins trip to the Spot-lancers with the Basildons. Old Bamagoode had accused Minchin of being "cocky" of all things and of decrying the Fuzzbusters' good name to the Spot-lancers. Not only that but Dr Bamagoode said that Minchin thought the Lightfingers and the Henchermens' pursuit of the party goods deal with the Edgwares was "fekkin ridiculous". Needless to say this was much cheered by the Basildons.

Well after digesting Fuzzbusters news, Minchin stayed silent for a while before suggesting that Old Dr Bamagoode had better up his game if he wanted to come to the Minchins' spring party next year.

Not only that but Old Bamagoode appeared to have pissed off the Lightfingers, the Edgwares and the Spot-lancers but that both branches of the Sunny's were also getting irate with continual balls-ups about who said what to whom and whether they should send them the party goods by special delivery or not, a debate the Edgwares had also been discussing about their own noisy neighbours. None of them offered however to host the party themselves, it always seems to fall to Dr Bamagoode or his family, usually sponsored by Lightfingers and Fudge. Anyway if Bamagoode does get to come to the spring ball, who will want to sit next to him?

It looks like Bamagoode will be issuing the party goods at an alarming rate in the future if both the Edgwares and the Sunnys get their way, lets hope that the Lightfingers don't offer up Count Bogshot as the delivery boy again. It seems unlikely as Bamagoode has slagged him off for the lacklustre special delivery to the Edgwares last time out.

Ironically the Minchins have just purchased a party-goods company and Mrs Minchin was more than happy to send her second-eldest to see Old Bamagoode to close the deal! Lets hope the Henchermens don't get in the way. Maybe Old Dr Bamagoode will get to the spring-party after all.

Meanwhile Fuzzbuster is blaming Aunty May for queering the pitch on the 2018 Bunghole tournament. Bunghole Junior is squirming because Aunty May said that Grandpa Bunghole is on the take and can't be trusted with the silverware. This means that Grandpa Bunghole won't let Junior have the tournament at his house because its too close to Anuty May's and Junior will have to travel. We know how homesick he gets. It's hardly worth his while turning up, he says, as he always has to leave early. It's clear that the Fuzzbusters won't leave him alone whether he goes or not. Anyway, Aunty May ought to have a closer look at Junior Bunghole as I suspect he's no better than Grandpa when it comes to running the show.

Forty Six

2010-10-28T06:08:00.001-07:00

It is not just a number but a physical arrival at a place. Past 45, closer to 50, the end of days. Anyone who says life begins at forty, that provides but a short span 'cos it sure as hell stops at 45. Remember all of those things you were going to do, at 46 it is genuinely time to forget it.

Never be a rock star

Never star in Hollywood

Never make it as a pilot

Never shag a supermodel- well not another one at least.

Never run up stairs

Never trek around Nepal

Never ski at the Olympics

Never Play for Chelsea

Whilst this is the despair, the joy is your children?

Now you can live your life vicariously through them, become some sad old f****r pushing his kids to stage school, screaming at the touchline on a rainy Sunday morning, ranting about getting good grades and doing homework as its so important now. Only it isn't is it.

What is important at 46? Not a lot.

Actually generally not having to give too much of a shit what is going on is great, not caring about politics anymore, not hating (other than drivers), tolerance of differences, anticipation of changes, the future seems much nearer and the long thread of experience starts to genuinely feel like an advantage rather than a track record. Work time passes more rapidly, you need less sleep, hangovers are more transient, burning imperatives are somehow slightly cooler.

The one real fear is that you may not get to read, see or understand everything that you want to before you die. This is particularly true if you have the classic mid-life and go buy yourself a motorbike.

Spandau Ballet

2009-11-16T07:50:00.000-08:00

Just a little note to say that setting aside the crap venue and awful facilities at the O2 Spandau Ballet were really very very good and far better than we all thought they would be. Tony Hadley in dark suit rambled about the stage like a demented shark alternately growling and cooing the wonderful lyrics to their beautiful anthems. Each line supported in riposte by the most fabulous sax music bringing the crowd straight back to the 80's and that haunting sound they captured so well and made their own. The brothers Kemp prowling around the stage with their guitars, menacing the other guys and rolling into each old standard with energy and charisma. This was a great night out- now think how much better it could have been at the Hammersmith Odeon rather than the plastic greenwich bubble.

The O2 Arena

2009-11-16T07:25:00.000-08:00

Oh yes, the O2, the very pinnacle of entertainment venues we are told, the worlds most succesful concert venue, everyone wants to play there and so on and so forth. Well lets dispel the myth. It is big. It is in London. From some seats you get a good view.

From most seats the view is distant and the sound poor. The catering inside the venue is poor, formulaic rubbish at exhorbitant prices; £25 for a bottle of crap white wine, £4 for watery lager in plastic flower pots, £4 for cardboard chips in damp cardboard boxes the dilemma is which to eat? In fact don't eat any of this crap - it will kill you.

Outside the venue the choice is far greater, there is a tapas bar, a mexican, a chinese restaurant, thai food, and several formula bars. They are all crap too. Food and drink done without passion, flavour, authenticity, real ingredients and care delivered by low paid staff in low rent kiosks. Plastic food in plastic film set units with a plastic smile and a plastic table cloth. The only thing of quality is the price.

This is a good concert venue in the same way that planet hollywood is a good restuarant or that Jordan is a beautiful woman.

By the way, if you are tempted by the priority ticket offers that O2 go on about so much please think again. You see this is marketing at its finest. The priority trick assumes that tickets will be difficult to find or come by (which you don't know until they go on general sale). If you think they will be hard to get then you will be pleased to jump the queue as a valued O2 customer and get your tickets ahead of the rush. Only problem is that O2, in my experience, take this as an opportunity to get rid of all the awful tickets up the side of the arena that they could not get rid of normally to the grateful punters who think they are beating the rush. Clever stuff eh? Sell the crap tickets first to muppets who think that priority means that they are doing you a favour rather than what is obviously the other way around. By selling all of the rubbish seats it gurantees that the venue is a success and when normal punters (or more often that not glorified touts- sorry ticket agencies) come on line to buy the decent seats they do not have anything to complain about. Genius.

Leather Lane

2009-10-21T05:25:00.001-07:00

Its raining so not too good to be outside today. Leather Lane is a good compromise, sandwiched between the Grays Inn Road and Hatton Garden the market offers the usual low rent mix of mobile phone accessories, global food (Daddy Donkey's Kick Ass Burito's being a favourite) clothes strictly for fancy dress, knock off DVD's and seeds and nuts for the corpse dodgers.

In amongst this however is some great architecture (in individual buildings) good cafe culture, and a great independent bookstore ( The Soho Bookshop) with a design specialism upstairs and a porn shop in the basement for those who like to mix the two. Haircuts are a fiver, your shoes can be re-soled, and the fellafels from Sara's grocery are authentic.

The nature of markets in London and our relationship with them is strange. If Leather Lane were not there, few would mourn its passing, but as a part of the character of this eclectic part of town, it is as essential as black cabs and red buses. It sells little of value and probably provides grey earnings for a range of illegals and benefit cheats but nevertheless is unique in its diversity and provides part of the flavour for "midtown", hidden from the agents boards and grade a offices the agents sell , separate from the girly bars on the Farringdon Road, discrete from the Victorian splendour of Smithfield and the Holborn Viaduct and cheek by jowell with the precious metal dealers and diamond merchants of Hatton Garden. Indeed the difference between the traders in Leather Lane and Hatton Garden is hard to see beyond the sharp suits and doorway heavies. This analogy could be stretched to include those who ply there trade in Grey's Inn as well but with less obvious doorway heavies.

As a footnote a good place to spin off is Brookes Market, now no longer a market but a square notable for its european influences (if you can see beyond the preponderance of Camden bins) and the beautiful gothic of St Albans the Martyr in the corner. Here on a rainy day, it is possible to still sit beneath the impermeable canopy provided by the London Planes and dream of better days.

St Pauls

2009-10-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

Rather than sit through an office lunch at the screen reading and eating crap I have decided to roam my local world for an hour when work allows.

Today I ended up at St Pauls. I've lived in London most of my forty odd years but had never been inside. Breathtaking.

Whilst in poorer times I have objected to paying to get into Churches I handed over the cash and started roaming, I only had one objective, to climb the dome. After two laps I found the stairs, a lazy slack spiral at first ascending in pidgeon paces up a long climb to the internal gallery (the Whispering Gallery) that wraps the inside of the base of the dome. The scene inside is fascinating and to watch a service from here amazing, the mosaics on the floor and the brightly frescoed walls and dome above reflect Wren's desire to bridge the gap between heaven and earth. An artifice achieved.

Alone it is difficult to whisper to oneself across the great chasm but the italians mumbling faberanza got the message across adequately.

A little door on the far side has an arrow pointing up and through a narrow set of stone steps, past ancient oak doors and iron framed oriel windows leads another stair, a tighter stone circle, up to the external "Stone Gallery". From here you step outside, breathe heavilly and look to the horizon. Fabulous views open up and the scale of the cathedral starts to take over your head. It is vast. You look down on churches, offices and Paternoster Square, full of insects going about London life without looking up, never quite appreciating what looms above.

A lap of this deck enables you to gather the strength and breath for the last stage up to the Golden Gallery. This is a more daunting climb, gone are the stone steps replaced by a lattice of iron spirals in sets of 20 steps between landings, rising through the inside of the dome shell between the outer surface and inner trappings. The ironwork is old and rests on beams upon beams with rather worrying later concrete interventions moulded around the stairs. Again you pass tiny oak doors and lattices of footways and passages, here more precarious and less enclosed than at the lower levels, you pass vestiges of original stone and timber stairs long ago abandonned and leading in alternate directions. My heart was pumping hard, either from the climb or the vertigo. Finally you arive at the last flight a narrow place of stone steps, lowering ceilings and steep ascent, you enter a chamber with the obligatory tourist guards, and make a final stumble, back on stone, up onto this gallery that runs around the outside of the top of the dome, before the stone ball and lantern rise up above.

If you thought the previous views were good here you can almost see the Sea to the east as you overlook the Port of London, the Thames runs shimmering in a loop to the south beyond to the downs and to the north the Weald Ridge, Wembley and Harrow. London seems but small and its edges within touching distance. This view is amazing. In medieval London this must truly have felt like rising up to god, with no buildings over a few stories back then, the feeling must have been one of fear and awe. This remains. The power and grandeur embodied in this monument will stand in comparison to any contemporary buildings in history as a testament to the power of religeon and the unutterable stupidity of man. The ability of Man to create this and then dedicate it to a deity shows how low our self esteem must be, when simply to build this edifice should demonstrate that man alone has the power of creation.

I loved it. Where to tomorrow?

Gordon Brown- and the supine ministers.

2009-06-08T02:38:00.000-07:00

The one thing that is evident from the state of the Labour Party is apparently that Gordon Brown is the only one who can lead them. The complete absence of any spine in his fellow party members and their refusal to remove him from office demonstrates the unsuitability of the whole party for Government. That he has lost the last vestiges of respect from the electorate is apparent to absolutely everyone. The inability of the supine minitsters (Johnson and the inanely grinnning banana boy) who refuse to oppose him and those that have resigned because he didn't promote them (Flint) are simply demonstrating their own unsuitability for office.

What would it take for Gordo to resign. Clinging on to office now looks inevitable but this will render the Labour Party at next Mays election even less credible. A party that has outstayed its welcome led by a man that none can support. The landslide will take Labour to pieces, possibly forever.

Now we hear that it is because of the economic turmoil that Brown must stay in office to sort it out. He helped to maximise the depth of the slump we are in through the willful waste of hard cash being pumped into public services with no actual plan, squandering the wealth that the growth years had generated. This is like Jonathan Ross being put in charge of the broadcasting standards association.

I hear also that it is because of the MP's expenses fiasco that we should not have an election until they have had a chance to change the rules and clean up parliament. The public apparently would prefer them to stay in office unitl this has been achieved? This is madness and the crass nature of this argument quite unbelievable- how stupid do they think we are?

Gordon has a spine and a brass neck and a rhino hide- there is clearly no shame in this party who will cling on to the last minute to suck the final shilling from the pockets of the electorate and keep their jobs for an extra nine months.

Moral compass Gordon-I don't think so.

Power Stations

2009-02-06T09:27:00.000-08:00

The Russians are taking the piss out of the European Union by ransoming all and sundry on the price of natural gas. Our own gas resources are dwindling and will run out in the foreseeable future (5 yrs?). The Government today anounced that it has given permission for the construction of three new gas-fired power stations in the UK.

Now tell me, what sort of a fucking idiot would tie their national energy future to Russian Gas having seen how they treat their dependents? Who would do that? Your Government, that's who.

Snow Travel Metropolitan Style.

2009-02-06T09:16:00.000-08:00

Not long ago I did an unpleasant piece on London Underground. Today they earned it in spades.

7.45 arrive at Station after perilous journey through snow.

Good Service metropolitan Line advertised on board.

Catch train (Fast Aldgate) Yippee. Phone wife, don't worry trains OK. Going to work.

2nd Stop (Harrow) This train is terminating here please change trains.

Get aboard 2nd Metropolitan Line Train. 1 stop later. This train is going out of service please change here. (Wembley Park). There will be no more Metropolitan Trains due to a signal failure at Baker Street. Please take a Jubillee line train.

Jubillee Train Comes. Full. (No... really full).

Next Train. Jubillee to Stratford. Yippeee- will get to work afterall.

Next station: This train has developed a fault and will termiante at Neasden.

Next two Jubillee trains :Full. Yes- as before.

Metropolitan Line trains passing under full steam- they dont stop here- service has clearly resumed!

Jubillee Line Train to Stratford. Yippee.

This train will terminate at Green Park.

Four trains, four terminations, none Snow related as far as I know.

Prospects of getting to work - slim.

Journey time: Eventually 2.25.

Explanations and apologies: None.

Cost : £11.00

Nature of Service: Shit.

Global Warming Climate Change Snow

2009-02-04T07:27:00.000-08:00

It is reassuring to know that those committed to fighting global warming can hapilly identify that colder winters and crazy snow events in the UK are a sign of, and are consistent with Global Warming either through the fact that it now happens so much more rarely than it used to (argument no 1) and consequently we are less prepared than we used to be, or conversely that more and more extreme weather events are likely as we proceed down the road to climate change (argument no 2). Both of these arguments were deployed yesterday.

Those with more than one third of a brain will realise that they are contradictory and exclusive to one another. If the climate change advocates are correct and extreme weather events are to be more common then the global warming (this happens far less frequently now because things are warming up) devotees must be wrong and vice-versa. Neither however would suggest that extremely cold weather events may be proof that global warming or climate change was imaginary and that the trend that prevailed from 1980 to 2005 (temperatures have cooled since 2005) has reversed. This would be to admit that we do not have a thorough understanding of weather and climate on planet earth and that our vanity in suggesting that we could change it was simply that. Vanity.

The Economy Stupid

2009-01-19T04:46:00.001-08:00

Well please bear with me on this one.

If the Government bails out the banks again etc it will finally have spent a decent proportion of a trillion pounds, that is a million million, on reflotaing the financial system. That equates to £18k for every man woman and child in the UK.

Er: If you did that it would give my family an extra £90 k in our pocket to weather the economic down-turn- This would put an awful lot of money back into the system but not into the hands of the banks who are morally and economically bankrupt. Businesses would prosper, manufacturers would prosper and the personnal debt mountain would be significantly reduced. People may put money into savings that could then be re-lent by the banks to business, in short a succesful bail out of the economy. (You may have to stop them from spending it on foreign goods as we don't make anything anymore).

By cutting out the stage where consumers are given the money to reduce debt, the Government have squandered the money on bailing out the banks for the dodgy (US ) securities thay took on without helping the UK taxpayer. Our personal debt mountain remains in play (as we are more likely to pay it back) whilst the US sub-prime mortgages are in effect paid off. This means that UK consumers, reeling under debt, will be reluctant to borrow any more cash (or spend it) until their long-term employment prospects improve. Something that will only happen long after the recession has bottomed. Without this return to confidence nothing will lift us out of the decline.

We can all see that this is madness but, like the cut in VAT, no one is prepared to say that to his face (that is Gordons').

Sadly I do not propose that we should give the money to the UK taxpayer but giving it to the banks who will use it to terminate or balance their books against debt overseas is the wrong choice.

If need be start a national bank. Pull the rug from the idiots who lost the money in the first place and start lending as a Government without the same profit ethic of the banks, this could be far more beneficial to the UK economy than the alternative of simply pressing the re-set button and letting the same wasters find new ways (is that derivatives?) of losing the money again. Cnuts.

The economy, Gaza or London Underground

2009-01-13T02:02:00.001-08:00

Short post today- London Underground. Fucking hell how shit can they get?

I don't even need to explain.

What to do - the economy or the Israeli's or Gazprom

2009-01-12T01:28:00.000-08:00

Its not too long ago that the western "democracies" of Europe were held ransom by the rising oil producing nations of the middle east and the UK and others vowed never to be so energy dependent again on one supplier. So when we now find that Europe, thankfully not including the UK, has tossed all of its apples into the Russian Gas basket and been royally shafted by the Russian government we can only look on incredulous.

Any argument that the former Soviet state has changed its ways or is now dependent upon the west for its economic success and will behave, or that we can do business with these people is madness. Thankfully the oil producing middle eastern states have turned out to be a far more honest broker than the Russians ever will. Russian actions and Russian diplomacy are no more than the machinations of the playground but on a far grander scale.

For contemporary examples of their values look no further than the BP conflict last year where in effect the state government intervened to pervert an investment in favour of Russia's finest bent oligarchs.

Look also at the invasion of Georgia, designed to prevent the "defection" of states to the Nato or EU umbrella.

Or perhaps look at the murder of Litvinenko.

We as a nation should not entertain the notion that Russia is a changed place or that Putin is a person you can deal with. He represents no more than the sick face of the same clique that has dominated Russia for the last 90 years be it under communism or the new model, the bottom line is a self interested cabal in power protecting only their own interests.

Even at a basic level the row with the Ukraine over the gas price, a year on year increase of 100%, is a direct state sponsored mission by a "private company" (a cash cow extension of the corrupt Russian leadership) to prevent the Ukraine from joining Nato. Putin has more in common with Mugabe than any other political leader as he and his cronies bleed the Russian state for all it is worth.

Economy Doing Well

2008-09-01T08:41:00.000-07:00

Am I too cynical or would it be correct to say that Darling and Co are trying to "bottom out" the economy early by keeping interest rates high and talking prospects down so that by October and the conference season or more likely next spring we can start to talk about a recovery more quickly than may otherwise be apparent (the slide having at least been arrested).

By escalating the slide now they think that improvements can be brought forward and the corner turned more quickly. This does however mean that the slide may be deeper than is actually necessary and those being sacrificed to unemployment early for the sake of political savings in the spring time may not be grateful to the Government or the Bank of England for adopting this most savage and callous approach to economic management.

The negative approach of the Chancellor (following the example of the press) in exaggerating the down turn flies in the face of my own property companies experience of modest growth in profits and those of many other business operators I meet. A more measured response by Government reflecting what is actually happening rather than what is reported to be happening in the Evening Standard would be a more moderate approach.

Poor Darling's statement seems to suggest that he is resigned to presiding over the deepest post war recession and may be an indication of panic. Browns reassurance that they are the right people to weather this particular storm would be laughable if it were not so hollow. They claim to be implementing a planned strategy and a package of measures to ride out the recession but none of their ideas has been published, discussed or documented and it appears to be only rhetoric designed to camouflage their lurching from one fiscal disaster to the next.

Ed Balls thinks (quite rightly as it happens) that it may be better to stay in the Education Department rather than take over at the treasury. However he has failed to realise that his own political capital has already been spent in the exams and SATs debacle. Even Brown would resist the temptation to promote him to the treasury on the basis of such a poor performance.

I am resigned to this fiasco continuing for another few months yet as no one within the Labour Party has the balls (come on Milliband pull your finger out) to set the compass and choose a policy direction. The continuation of the current drift will take our economy to the brink but I trust the business leaders rather than the politicians will keep us from going over the edge until the cavalry arrive in the form of greater liquidity and lower interest rates.

Obama's Irish (My Arse)

2008-08-07T07:45:00.000-07:00

In a not altogether unsurprising move genealogists have discovered that Barrack Obama is a direct descendant of the ancient kings of Ireland. In a blow to the McCain presidential bid Barrack has stolen the Irish vote from under his nose. Notwithstanding his incontrovertible association with potatoes McCain's claims to the Irish vote fail to unearth any original or direct connection to the Emerald Isle, home to 3m people, and antecedents to 242m Americans.

Further research has also established a Jewish connection for Mr Obama as a direct descendant of Solomon and as an indirect member of one of the seven lost tribes of Judea. Mr Obama's wife on the other hand has both clear Polish and Italian connections with an Amish father and a mother from the bible belt.

When asked about his connections Mr Obama joshed to journalists yesterday that "it is a grand soft morning this morning my life my life already." Mrs Obama responded he was being too proud and if he continued she would have to send him to sleep with the fishes.

Paris Hilton commented that this frantic and rather puerile scratching around for ethnic connections would not affect her campaign for the White House at all. She pointed to a blue blooded line of feckless Anglo - American aristo's who hadn't worked for a living for nine generations as the ideal breeding for America's first female president.

Campaign commitments by Paris that she will invite Bill Clinton to the Oval Office for a cigar, film the event and post a viral video of it on you tube were met with riotous applause by American college students who see the bleak celebrity as the best option for those disillusioned with the cult of celebrity in American politics.

Obviously all of the above is unquestionably wrong.

Fecund

2008-07-25T07:33:00.000-07:00

Now I have a secretary who sits outside my office door in her tight red blouse and short black skirt. ******* must be in her early 20's with a gravelly posh Newcastle accent, stylishly messy black hair held up by a limited number of invisible devices and topped with a pair of fuck-me-I'm-an-intellectual glasses. She is tall and slim, tall enough to wear flat shoes and slim enough for the red blouse and tight black skirt. She has a good tan (not orange ) and a throaty laugh that wakes the entire office on the odd occasion that it's put to use. She is clearly bored, a temp away from University for the summer, and the work is not exactly testing but she turns up cheerful everyday.

But can you understand what is driving me insane. A pot belly. Small, neat, perfectly formed, hanging, lounging, gently undulating, accidentally spotted in the flesh as blouse and skirt shift through the long hot day. It knows I want it, torments and teases me, rolls apeasingly, pleading for kneading, smiling, larking about, happilly self aware, grinning. I want to grab it, caress it, lift it, stroke it and ultimately kiss it, hold it, rub it, nurture it, feed it, tattoo it, pierce it, possess it, stick my tongue in its button, bite it, lick it and yes rest my head on it.

Setting aside all other things there is but one word to describe the way it is. Fecund.

First they came for the smokers...

2008-07-23T02:45:00.001-07:00

In a totally expected move the Government have set out Brown's agenda for a new soulless society. Happy hours are to be banned in case anyone seriously looks in the least bit cheerful. Following a successful campaign to ruin the economic feelgood factor of the last ten years, Brown has turned his attention to the last legal stimulant. In a sign of growing torpor amongst the electorate Brown has realised that to be truly hated in the UK he must challenge the last bastions of pleasure for working people and undermine their right to enjoy a glass of hooch at the end of the working day.

Harking back to the portrayal of London womanhood as a bunch of gin soaked whores throughout the 18th century, Brown's establishment is considering a range of measures to dispel any prospect of joyful abandon amongst the workforce. Citing the number of sickies taken as a response to alcohol abuse Brown's think tank (Special Centre for Objective Compulsive Social Genetic Intellectual Tautology- SCOTSGIT) has recommended, amongst other measures, to ban the mid-week works outing to the boozer on the corner.

In a rising tide of puritanical bollocks other threats issued by Brown include higher alcohol taxation, Happy Hour bans, raising the legal drinking age to 52, banning women from the pub, removing his jumper, and preventing use of the phrase "You're ma pal" after 6.43 in the evening.

Following the successful implementation of the statutory waiting time at airports and the European ban on running with scissors, and consistent with his campaign to reduce regulation and red tape, those hoping to sell alcohol commercially in the future will be expected to take part in a licence bidding competition where the Government has stated it will issue only four new licences nationally until drinking goes digital. Consumers in Wales are in uproar as they have been refused permission to site one of the licenced premises anywhere within the principality. Obviously this is intended to curb road side singing and gutter vomit but critics consider the decision as harsh.

Brown Up-beat on Economy and Election Prospects

2008-07-09T04:27:00.000-07:00

In a completely expected move Gordon Brown appeared up beat on the economy and predicted double digit growth in some areas of the economy over the coming months. Citing the burning of valuable assets and Listed buildings, fire sales of property and industrial stocks and winding up orders as key areas for growth.

Launching an attack on the negative face of the press Brown pointed to his long and firm grip on the economy and how it had benefited hugely from his stewardship in particularly difficult economic times over the last ten years.

He saw no reason to be negative now with good economic signs coming from the housing sector where house builders have "lost" up to 40% of their staff, the city where the credit crunch has led to 40,000 job losses so far this year, trading rooms where shares have lost over 20% of their value in the last quarter, utilities where energy and water prices have doubled and the oil trading floor where a barrel of oil now costs more than double what it did in December.

With growing signs of unrest and likely strike action across the public sector, health and education, dissatisfaction rife in the transport industry and funding for infrastructure projects cut across the board to pay for the spiraling costs of the Olympics, Brown said things have never been better. A healthy dose of additional taxation to stave off the imminent threat of global warming, in this the second successive summer of constant rain in the UK, in his view would be sufficient to see the economy and his parties fortunes in clover for another decade.

Citing his magnificent popularity in the polls and at recent by-election victories for his party and his inspirational reading of the public mood he claimed that with his deep understanding of economics there should be nothing whatsoever to worry about.

In a final flourish Brown thanked his coterie of advisers and spin doctors for managing the Country so well over the last 12 months and said he looked forward to a continuing positive relationship with the British people.

Geldof slates nepotism

2008-07-01T04:32:00.000-07:00

At the media launch of his daughters new range of recreational drugs, multi-millionaire father Bob Geldof OBE and Knight Commander of the British Empire ranted at large about nepotism as a tool of the establishment that had usurped the good old back-seat blowjob as a way into the small-screen media.

Acknowledging that both his daughters had substantial self promotional skill Geldoff stated that in his day girls had to suck a large number of cocks before landing their first contract whereas now the sad cult of celebrity nepotism was to blame for a serious rise in talentless wannabies parading across the London scene in the wake of their parents mediocre careers. Geldof, now in production himself, called for a return to the old values of pouting lips and slippy knickers as the solid starting point for a media career.

Clive Allen, former Spurs playmaker, commented also that he felt it unfair that Lily had such an easy time getting her contract on the back of his popularity and sporting success.

Janet " I never was a lesbian" Ellis chipped in that when she blew peter she got her first big splash on national television and wished that Sophie had had to go through the same apprenticeship she had in the back of a Rover 2000. She blamed the short nature of Sophie's now "so over" career as a direct result of the lack of proper substance or talent, a situation that could not have happened in the days of big mamma's toothbrush when wannabee stars had a bit more backbone.

Clearly all of the above is not true.